(Living) for God

I've been toying around with an idea for a long time, but was never really able to fully articulate it. Over time I kind of forgot about it, but every once in a while it resurfaces in my mind and I ponder it a bit more before I give up and mull something else over. Or just don't think about anything. I do that pretty frequently as well. Anyways, I was reminded of it a few weeks ago during a (surprisingly) good homily at my home parish and I've been meaning to get around to writing about it for a while. It seems like the kind of thing that might be appropriate for this type of blog. Without further ado, I'll get into it as best I can:

We hear a lot about how blessed we are that Jesus chose to die for our sins. Now, I won't say that we all "get" that and appreciate it as much as we can, because I don't think that as humans we are capable of understanding the full extent of what he did. But I think that most of us have gotten about all that we can out of that idea. Martyrdom is not specific to the Catholic, or even Christian, faith, and I think that we all have a pretty healthy respect for righteous martyrs. But I don't think that's the important part of the story of Jesus. It's easy to die for a person or a cause. It only takes one decision- one moment, one hour, maybe even one day, but then it's over. And through the course of that short period of time, you have the solace of knowing that you are making the greatest sacrifice you can make, and after you're done you never have to do it again.

What's truly inspiring about the story of Jesus is not that he died for us, but that he lived for us. Even to set aside the whole "leave an eternity of unbridled joy in fullness with God and become human" thing, which was probably a bigger sacrifice than experiencing a human death, Jesus was amazing because every single day he did all he could to save the people around him. It just so happened that it took him about 33 years for that to include death. But living for people is much harder than dying for them. When Jesus said that we have to take up our crosses and follow him, I think he meant that every single day we should be living for others as much as he lived for them, and as much as he died for them. He was telling us to do everything in our power to love God, and to love each other, and that it's not going to be easy. In fact, it's going to be very hard. At some points it's going to be a sacrifice of everything that you value, even your friends and your flesh and your dignity. That's what it means to pick up your cross the way that Jesus did when he died. And that's what it meant to pick up your cross the way that Jesus did even while he lived. Jesus didn't get free time, unless he ran off and hid in the desert- and even then Satan wouldn't leave him alone. Jesus didn't get to just hang out with his friends- he visited with sinners and sick people and tax collectors. He didn't have a job or a house- how often do you think he had to sleep on the dirt in the open, hungry from missing dinner? Living for God is harder than dying for God. It's harder because of all the uncertainty. You don't know if you're doing the right thing, or how much longer you should be doing it, or if you should be doing something else instead. Plus you have to see your failures and inadequacies. That leads to questioning. Confidence is hard to foster among people who live for others, because there are so many problems and so few flawless ways of dealing with them. You can tell yourself as much as you want that what really matters is that you're trying your best, but I doubt very many people are persuasive enough to truly believe themselves.

Unfortunately, we don't always get the opportunity to die for something we care about. For most of us, the best we can do is either find something to live for, or just stumble through a capricious existence that benefits from frequent returns but lacks any deeper value. I'm not convinced that there's one best answer that works for everyone. Because the truth is that living for something is hard, and the benefits are generally not tangible. I think this next year in New Orleans will be a good opportunity for me to decide which category I fall into. Unless I happen to find something to die for, I'll have to make the decision relatively soon. And spending a year trying to live for something will at least give me the taste for what that's like.

I hope that posts in the future are a little more upbeat than this one...I realize it's kind of a downer. Hopefully it was worth trudging through. Don't get me wrong or put me on suicide watch- I'm not trying to say that living is bad. I'm just trying to point out that living for something is hard work, and maybe we should reconsider the "important" parts of our faith tradition.

"Our deepest, most innately human desire is to sacrifice ourselves for someone else"- Fr. John Gillespie